The Dude (metalblade87) wrote,
The Dude

quick update

i really wanted to do a full update but i ended up watching deadliest catch and now i should really be getting to bed. However i felt like i needs to say at least something. I have been thinking lately about how im living my life and i feel like im alive but im not living. which is a problem. Im trying to figure out why im so afraid of doing things and have been taking a lot of time this weekend doing that. I think my main problem is that i am so afraid of death itself and that it is something that could be right around the corner or 80 years aways. who know? But when i think about it i become pretty much paralyzed and im like... fuckkk one day i will close my eyes and thats it and im not cool with that even though i 100% know it will happen one day. Yet at the same time i am so afraid of something happening to me when im away on vaca or something on my own that i dont experiences things i feel like i should. Its like. The fear of a bad problem or death is keeping me from doing things yet if i was on my death bed at 90 and i had my mentality now i wont be ready for it because.. well... i guess.. i fell like im not doing what i want to be doing, yet i havent done anything in this item. Sort of the like a circle where the fear of a problem keeps me from doing things yet by not doing things it makes me feel like i am missing out especially as i get older. Shits gay and i think i am finally coming to grips with that.

I havent really talked to danielle in 3 days which is a decent amount of time and im sure theres still a few days to go with her in washington with tony. This is the first time i decided to not call her and wait for her to call me. If that happens at some time. I am just so tired of calling and calling and having her not answer. No one can be that busy on a regular basis. But thats just my opinion but lets see what happens.

The last quick thought that well is more of a long thought but i am saying is quick because i dont think i can type it out in time. I miss spot. He was my main man and i cannot stop thinking about him today during and after the last shower. I miss his face and his eternal love for me and i for him. He was such a good cat and i feel bad. I feel like during his older years where i should have been closer then ever with him and taking care of him i left him. I ignored him by accident and didnt mean to. I should spent more time with him. I should not have kicked him out of my room for the last year or 2. I think it depressed him and i me a bit. I wish i got him to a doctor earlier when he may have been sick. I just didnt know what was normal. I thought it was normal just hair balls. However i think i was wrong and i hope he didnt suffer because of me. I am so sorry, i truly am. I wish i could hold him 1 more time or in some dream world talk to him and have him understand. I truly feel so bad i feel like i pushed him away because of my allergies. I truly feel terrible about it now and the worst thing is there is nothing i can do about it now. I am so sorry spot for anything i may have done. I hope you didnt suffer. I am sorry, i love you and miss you dearly.
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