Also after reading it over i feel like a lot of the things are the different yet when it comes to my feelings they are the same. People are very very much so MIA which is very depressing. BUt i cannot say its really their fault as much as i feel as though its my own. I became distant from everyone. I didnt mean to, i just started getting sick and nervous and just... not good things when i went out since i quit smoking. Man do i miss smoking. Its like it kept me on my level. It helped me to think as to what i wanted and how to get there. Now i just sit here trying to figure something out and cannot seem to figure out what i want or even something as simple as where to go. I feel completely lost. I am happy, love my job make decent money. However there has to be more to this thing called life. I feel stuck and very very alone. I want to travel and visit new places but the thought of some of these things do scare me and i dont know why. I dont know if its the concept of doing them or being out of my comfort zone or just the fact that i need someone i feel comfortable to go with. There have been 2 or 3 moments where i just jumped into a new place that i otherwise would not have done. Been to scared and just said no. Each of these times ive had a wonderful caring person next to me that just made me feel so much more relaxed about it. Helped me make the jump into the deep water and i came out alive... in fact better then alive. .. like a new me.
I havent had that in quite some time and ive been doing the best i can over the years especially the past year or so on my own and getting out. Going on a distant trip to Mass and Maine. It was amazing and fun and scary but i made it. I hung the picture of these places on my walls to remind me that i can do it. I hope that they inspire to keep the adventure going. However right now i have no idea where to go or what to do and i just feel down overall which is making it hard for me keep moving.
I feel like i need someone. A great women to help me forward. Isnt the saying behind every great man there is a great women guiding him? Well i need guidance. But there is no one there to guide me.