The Dude (metalblade87) wrote,
The Dude

13 weeks wow! lol

im not even sure where to begin on this one.. ive been meaning to update this thing for the longest time now at least the past 2 months or so but yeaa been either busy or just not sure wa to say or how to say it... its rough.. but either way i wanna say a shit load of things have been going on but at the same time i dunno dosnt seem that way lol.. anyways im pretty much updating this thing because ive been feeling really down lately especially the last couple of days..

on the down side of life pretty much ive been rather upset when it comes to the people around me lately.. it feels as though im not needed and growing very distant from everyone like if i didnt come home every weekend ide be forgotten about or something.. like i try so hard to see everyone but at the same time it dosent feel like it goes the other way around anymore.. i dunno how to explain it really i guess its just cuz everyones goin on with their own lives and im not there to partake i guess u can say.. its also hard cuz i feel closest to danielle and christian however there together and have been together for mad long its like their which i mean is great for them i honestly am happy for them i wish i could find love like that i really do.. its just hard on me i guess cuz their always together and its like i cant chill with each one sepratly its always a group thing which w/e i grew accustome to that its just rough cuz they like to do shit together and so i guess i feel as though i dont get enough benny time when im round its like arg i drove mad far to chill with u guys and ur barly around.. which aggravates me but at the same most of the time i just put myself in their shoes and just say fuck it its all good im just jelous i guess and dont let it really get to me.. i mean their just doin the couple thing which i understand fully ya know? its also kinda been suckin cuz i feel like with some people im just the kid that drops off the ciggs to everyone every weekend to some of my friends they don't view me as me just as that kid that comes by and hooks them up now a days ya know almost like im underrated or something.. i dunno im sure alot of whats been going on that i have been upset with is me being selfish in a sence but at the same time i dunno its hard for me.. cuz like everyones being social and doin their thing but here i am with nuttin new going on.. same shit always happening and im never meeting anyone new which sucks cuz like i come back on the weekend to chill with everyone and i make all the time i can for them.. and no one really brings by new people and we don't really go anywhere for us to be social or to meet people especially the girlies lol and its like da fuck i get put in the situation where i go it alone and try to meet people and girls or i chill with my friends.. so i chill with my friends and sometimes they end up not being round last min which is like fuck i woulda done something else set it up better cuz like i work on a schedual.. i have to see everyone and get everything done in a timely manner so im not running round like a chicken with its head cut off ya know.. so i have times set a side for things that need to be done and when those times and plans go off its like fuck it messes up the flow of everything else and shit and its been a pain in the ass lately.. especially when it comes to my fri nights for cig drop off its like everyone isn't roudn till later which fucks me over cuz i get in a certain time and try to take care of everything as early as possibly and yet people still need to have their needs taken care of when it comes to times... which ends up disturbing my timing for things and its like fuck!!! i dunno i guess the little things have just been bothering me with that and i guess ive just been being selfish and shit which i shouldn't do i really shouldn't... :(
honestly i prob wouldnt be writting this right now but something was said to me a couple days ago that really drove a nail into me.. alot of things have been done to me and said to me through out the years that have brought be great pain and great happiness this is deff the worst pain.. turns out this girl i know that no one else prob knows ended up doing shit with this kid that i hate i mean hate with a passion.. he fucked me over so bad i had nightmares for a good week or 2.. and she did shit with him a while go but decided to tell me the other day.. when she first told me my heart kinda sank but it didn't really hit me until the next day.. i was more upset at the time that she didn't tell me when it happened and kept it a secret.. i like to be told things and know whats goin on in people lives around me ya know... so that upset me but after sometime it started eating and me and still does.. im so pissed now to think of it i cant get the image outa my head of them doing that shit.. i wanna fucking bugg out to the point of i don't even know wa to do honestly.. part of me wants to just caller her and tell her to just fuck off like it was the last straw.. alot of things shes been doin i dont approve of but w/e who am i to tell people how to live their lives and ive just talked about it and pretty much kept my mouth shut cuz as time goes i grow acceptance however this is a whole nother ordeal.. like im so fucking aggravated and hurt bout this i feel like ive just been snapped in half and my whole lifes been turned upside down.. i told her to stay away she knew the story but still fucking did it and its so fucking disgusting arg! like i was saying i feel like telling her all of this and just not talk to her anymore cuz its so painful but at the same time i dotn wanna do that cuz i enjoy talking to her when i can i dunno wa to do at all bout the situation im so fucking hurt its not even funny but at the same time i don't think ide be able to not talk to her so im hoping the best that the pain goes away and i forget about it... i dunno anymore i feel dead inside about so much... so alone...
On top of this a month ago or so i had my benz interview and well it turned out that they really liked me yay! however my attendance was .25% to low.. so i got denied.. sounds like the story of my life so close yet so far... however he was nice enough to give me a second chance i guess u can say and told me that if i didn't miss anytime in the next 6 weeks ide be able to get another interview with him!! knock on wood 3 weeks down with not missing any time and 3 more to go.. i really hope i get in however at the same time im mad scared about it.. i want to work on their cars so bad but im afraid i wont get in and on top of that life in Boston for 4 months.. its far enough away so i wouldn't be able to come home which is ass and is kinda bugging me out alot and i dunno wa to do about it.. but i guess its for the best and thas all i keep telling myself cuz it be such a better situation then working for ford or something lol.. another thing is that alot of my friends are graduating on friday which is really sad.. like i wasn't super close to them but at the same time i wont see them again probably ever cuz their all going back to their home states which well isn't mine lol.. and with them leaving i sit here and go wow... im ganna be outa here in 2 months like whaaa? no more apartment?? no more my own life ganna end up living at home again.. tha shits ganna suck ass im deff not looking forward to that.. but w/e i guess u do wa ya gotta do in a sense..
I dunno i feel like just rapping this up right now alot of this shit dosent make all to much sense.. im really confused about life right now and really down and i dunno just feeling really weird and if anyone ends up reading this thats in it.. im sorry if i put ya down or anything and don't want u to think differently its just i dunno how i feel at this moment.. not ness wa ill feel tomorrow who knows maybe tomorrow everything will be great and have gone don't take any offense to it lol really.. its not that serious lol.. hopefully shit just starts falling back into place and i get out a this weird state im in cuz i know im looking at everything the wrong way i really am.. but its just hard sometimes jsut wish i could have some support from a loved one sometimes...
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