I feel like.. well i want her bad and i dont know why and im trying so hard to be polite and take interests in her interests and always be there for her and do little things like say good night if we are chatting ad things like that. However i dont feel like she really asks me any questions ever its always me asking the questions and keeping the convo going. Now mind you she just got out of a super serious relationship so maybe that has something to do with it?? Maybe shes interested but not looking for a BF?? I dont know... :( But i do know which really sucked was after working out on friday i saw her getting out of a car with another guy and it like broke my heart for some reason. Like me and her are not dating, she probably just things of me as a friend but the fact that shes a girl and talks to me has me caught up thinking that its more then what it is??? I dont know. However did mention that i was down on FB the other day and she texted me asking how i was 2 times that day. It was great that she messaged me it like made my day it really did. Its like finally she took a slight bit of interest in me. We chatted into the night and i found out hes a persional trainer, not hers but a friend to see how shes doing. Hopefully that all it is. I really like this girl for some reason and i wish it could be mutual or atleast know where i stand. :|
Its weird cuz like since messaging her and talking to her i feel like a new man. Like she changed me. She makes me want to be a better man. After talking with her here and there i was like im tired of this life im living and tired of being uncomfortable. Im tired of always feeling like i am dieing or something is wrong. With that it has motivated me to join the gym. Never thought i would see the day. Ive been going for 3 weeks now i believe and honestly i have been loving it so far going pretty much everyday just missing 2 or 3 days so far. It was rough at first and made me feel really uncomfortable however that kinda what i need especially when you add the working out aspect of it. I have stated really slow and light but have been making some progress i think. I hit a goal of 3.5 miles on the elycpitcal machine today and it happened way quicker then i thought. Its funny because honestly i feel like alot of this has to do with her and even though she fully doesnt know it or isnt there she pushes me forward. Because well i get aggravated that i dont know if shes down or not, which aggravates me which helps me do the extra repps needed.
The only thing that sucks is that still sometimes i feel like faint when working out sometimes hard sometimes not. It sucks i dont know what the deal is. I think it has less to do with my heart and health overall and more to do with my gut. I feel like if my gut isnt right then it SERIOUSLY messes me up and makes me feel faint/light headed/off balance. It sucks and i dont know what to do about it. Sometimes i think it starts the trigger and then my mind takes over and really fucks me up like i am going to fall right off the chair and pass the fuck out sometimes. Its really at times scary... All i can really do is push through lately and call it quits when i feel that way if ive been there for awhile and if i just stared then to lighten the weight or w/e i am doing and work through it. Like i said i feel like i am making progress overall but still not where i wanna be. Then again its only been 3 weeks which aint shit.
I have since the past few days been looking more at my nutrition and trying to eat better and balance my diet a bit better. This weekend was the first sort of test and i have been following it and its gone okay so far. I feel like i need another week or 2 to see where i am at when it comes to tracking. Other then that i am trying to eat more natural foods and less processed with more yogurt and salads with chicken and stuff. Hopefully i can stick with it and learn this carb cycling thing she told me about. Seems like a lot of people that use it as successful with it. I am actually making soup right now with like no sodium in it. The normal stuff i get is like 550G per serving this new stuff is 95G. WAY different and i hope it tastes okay.
All in all i feel like where i am right now is very focused on my body and trying to treat it right whether its eating or just working out on the regular. The only downside is i havent had really any time to myself during the week to do other things like its crazy and sort of frustration. Hopefully i can work though it and get slightly better at my time management/scheduling.
I also really need to focus i think right now more on myself then on her and just view us as friends and go from there. If she wants more then i am here and im pretty sure i have made that very clear to her. I really hope she takes me up on it and its mutual though. I also hope that i can relax when it comes to her chilling with other people or my jealousy cuz i mean really...we are just friends nothing more. Being jealous wont help. I can only be me and do me and if she wants me its our gain if not then its her loss. I just need to stay focused on myself and it has really helped me with my confidence everyday i think. I think that confidence will really help me in the future with other girls as well. I am super excited about because i am sooo tied of being single. I truly am. I need a girl in my life, and i really hope its her but if not.. There is nothing i can do but move on to the next one. I need to always remember that. If she dosent want it, someone else will. I need someone who wants me just as much as i want her.