The Dude (metalblade87) wrote,
The Dude
metalblade87

quick update

i really wanted to do a full update but i ended up watching deadliest catch and now i should really be getting to bed. However i felt like i needs to say at least something. I have been thinking lately about how im living my life and i feel like im alive but im not living. which is a problem. Im trying to figure out why im so afraid of doing things and have been taking a lot of time this weekend doing that. I think my main problem is that i am so afraid of death itself and that it is something that could be right around the corner or 80 years aways. who know? But when i think about it i become pretty much paralyzed and im like... fuckkk one day i will close my eyes and thats it and im not cool with that even though i 100% know it will happen one day. Yet at the same time i am so afraid of something happening to me when im away on vaca or something on my own that i dont experiences things i feel like i should. Its like. The fear of a bad problem or death is keeping me from doing things yet if i was on my death bed at 90 and i had my mentality now i wont be ready for it because.. well... i guess.. i fell like im not doing what i want to be doing, yet i havent done anything in this item. Sort of the like a circle where the fear of a problem keeps me from doing things yet by not doing things it makes me feel like i am missing out especially as i get older. Shits gay and i think i am finally coming to grips with that.

I havent really talked to danielle in 3 days which is a decent amount of time and im sure theres still a few days to go with her in washington with tony. This is the first time i decided to not call her and wait for her to call me. If that happens at some time. I am just so tired of calling and calling and having her not answer. No one can be that busy on a regular basis. But thats just my opinion but lets see what happens.

The last quick thought that well is more of a long thought but i am saying is quick because i dont think i can type it out in time. I miss spot. He was my main man and i cannot stop thinking about him today during and after the last shower. I miss his face and his eternal love for me and i for him. He was such a good cat and i feel bad. I feel like during his older years where i should have been closer then ever with him and taking care of him i left him. I ignored him by accident and didnt mean to. I should spent more time with him. I should not have kicked him out of my room for the last year or 2. I think it depressed him and i me a bit. I wish i got him to a doctor earlier when he may have been sick. I just didnt know what was normal. I thought it was normal just hair balls. However i think i was wrong and i hope he didnt suffer because of me. I am so sorry, i truly am. I wish i could hold him 1 more time or in some dream world talk to him and have him understand. I truly feel so bad i feel like i pushed him away because of my allergies. I truly feel terrible about it now and the worst thing is there is nothing i can do about it now. I am so sorry spot for anything i may have done. I hope you didnt suffer. I am sorry, i love you and miss you dearly.
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 0 comments