So the 4th has come and gone so quick. I had 3 days off and got nothing done but go up and see my grandfather. It was so nice to see him and be there. Its so sad that it very well could have been the last time going up there to see him on the 4th. Its truly such a sad though of him not being around and i am so bad at it lately. I feel like a dick. Like i want to try to hard to be around and help him however i can however at the same time im so scared and so so so depressed seeing him like this it breaks my heart. Its like i want to see him and i want to make him happy and do anything i can for him yet im so sad and depressed to see him the way he is now that it makes it hard for me to do now a days. When it comes to family members besides my bro and dad hes like my rock, hes the glue to the this entire family. W/o him there is noting and i will most certainly lose a lot of contact with cousins im sure and thats pretty sad. Man i just wish he could live forever and be active but at 91 i know thats not really possible.
The side problem with that it questions my own mortality and how time is precious and you need to live it up. Take what you need and get what you want out of it because next thing you know it will be over. I find that thought almost inspiring and sort of drives me to get up and go. The only problem is that lately it hasnt and know i need to get up and go but just cant. Its like i dont know what to do or where to go or how to get there and that is really depressing me more then i care to admit. I know i should and need to do go it alone if i need to but i am so damn lonely its crazy and just brings me down more. I wish i had someone to drive me to get me up and moving. I use to have that and it was so great to have.
I also feel like i am slightly holding myself back because i dont feel super strong. I get scared i will go there and something will happen or i cannot make it home from there. It holds me back and it sucks. I feel like if i had someone to go with that i was super conformable with there would be no problem with travel. Just get up and go and if something happens then i can just have them help me and take care of me. I use to have that 1 or 2 times and it was so amazing to have. I feel like i really need that. A companion to take care of me. I feel like if i had that i would travel so much more and it would make things so much easier for me.
Being on match it give me hope that i will find someone and i have been putting the work in this time around. Messaging more and more girls in hopes of getting at least a response. The problem so far is that ive messaged about 100 girls. Had only half of the view my message or profile, and still only 1 response which i think was a fluke because she never messaged me back so i dont have high hopes for that. I dont know if its my personality or that its more difficult online or if its just the way i look or something. Maybe i am just doomed but i guess all i can really do is hold my head up high and believe that something will happen in the future. One my biggest fears is being a lone forever. I need a soul mate. I need to get married and i feel like time is not on my side.