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Saturday, August 27th, 2016
10:02 pm - Mid year update
So its been a long while since my last update on here, about 6 months. Not much has really changed i guess. I did get the c450 which has been alot of headaches. I love it so much but at the same time ive definitely had my fair share of problems with it. On the workout front i feel like i have been on and off but never stopped. At times i definitely went through the motions but as of late i am back to going gun-ho again. Ive been lifting heavy as i can and addling almost every time i go even if its just for 1 rep. I feel like i look about the same and most people dont say anything about my gains, so in that case they dont exist right? Ive been eating well for quite some time now which is a pain in the ass but its been nice to have chicken to eat at night and i have gotten use to it for a certain extent.

So my aggravation of the moment which of course is why i always write in this thing when i am looking into my soul for my own answers because i cant find help or the answer from anyone else. I am still single. Its about to be fall and its driving me CRAZY. I feel like i try and try and get sometimes closer then other times yet still no where. No love no nothing. Its like i am to nice or something. I will say most of the girls ive hit up i work with or have worked with. I can understand when i work with them but now that i dont with most i am a bit like.. whats the problem ya know.. I dont get it. The latest and most aggravating one is this girl that im friends with. Like we have chilled and its been fun and we have cuddled and shit like 2 times. For her im sure i didnt mean shit. However for me it felt so fucking good. It felt like... i was home.. alive.. life is good i can concor anything. Its frustrating me a bit because i just want someone and that was the closest ive gotten i guess even if it was just for a bit. I just wish she would see me as a potential. I think we would be great. I feel like we are very compatible. This was the first time in a long time that i was looking forward to the weekend to well.. chill with her. Yet she was busy which is all good i understand shes busy and has her own life. I just wish there was a way to get closer to her. Show her something that may spark her interest. Make a move. Something. I need someone by my side.. BAD. I am extremely loney and petty depressed about it. I feel like its the only thing keeping me down in life. I just need someone to hold, someone to looking into their eyes and have them look back at me in that way that makes my heart melt. If i could just get that in my life i think i would finally be complete.

However its like no matter how much i try with anyone i get no where and i just get my hopes up to just be devastated like always. I just wanna write it almost on fb like YO... I want love please someone fucking let me hold them and love me already!!!! What do i have to do?!!? I feel so lost. Shes my closest to getting that feeling i am looking for... however im pretty sure shes not looking for that from me... another mostly major hope shot down....

i feel so let down and depressed... but i guess all i can do is try to keep my head up and keep on trucking.. keep on trying to get my name out there.. keep on trying to get close..

(give a fuck)

Sunday, February 28th, 2016
9:06 pm - Changes on the horizon?
Okay so its been a few since my last update on this bad boy. Not to much has changed. My nose has finally healed which is such a relief. I still have some problem with congestion but i guess its better then it was?? My main concerns lately is my legs have really been bothering me lately. They feel almost like growing pains or something and its mostly in my knee caps. From what i know i think i fucked them up when i was dead lifting a week ago. I dont know what to do to fix them it sucks. Its like ive actually been good headach wise.. knock on wood.. so i havent needed tylonal or anything really for that however i have been needing it for the legs which sucks. I hope it goes away. I guess i should rest them for a week and hope for the best.

So tomorrow i might also be getting a new car? Maybe a C450? I dont even know its the first time ive asked about a car but havent hear about how much it would be. The fact that i dont know is driving me crazy. Like can i afford it or not?? I really hope i can because it looks like a sick car and something i would be very excited to own. However as i think abot it i am like shit is it worth the money? Should i be saving more? Should i just finance a shit box or even finance my own car?? I dont know anymore and its getting fustrated. Part of me is like just lease what you want and be happy cuz well itll make you happy. However the financial old man side of me is like nah bro you need to grow up and stack more away and actually own something. You are just throwing money out the window. why its stupid, but at the same times its the only way i know how to get and drive the one i want. When i get what i want im happy so why not just get it and be happy and proud. That is probably what ill do i just hope that its not the wrong choice and i hope it dosent hold me back from other things like moving out of the house. However i guess only time will tell and i can only plan so far in the future. I mean, as is i dont see myself moving out anytime soon which is pretty stupid but also the truth.

I have been trading stocks a new way as well lately where i have been selling options against long positions. Its been working out okay and im making like i dunno a hundred a week. Im not breaking down any walls with it however every little bit helps and i gatta be in it for the long hall. Find something that works and stick with it and play it more like a constant game. Manage positions vs just buying and hoping for the best. Soo far its been 2 or 3 weeks and i feel pretty comfortable about it so far even though i have left money on the table 2 times so far. However then again bulls make money, bears make money and pigs get slaughtered. So im not trying to be a pig just do the best i can to pick positions and gain here and there and hopefully i can just be a constant 100 or 200 a week. That would be key and would definitely help me be less stressed and well super happy in general because from there its all about the leverage to make more. However only time will tell and i am still very new to this strategy i am doing. I just hope this is finally it, the thing that helps me finally make some money.

I dont know. Lately like the past week or so ive been feeling pretty good and happy i guess. I feel like this may be the year i turn things around in my life and i am very excited to see what happen i guess :) Hope it all turns out well!!! :D

(give a fuck)

Sunday, January 24th, 2016
7:44 pm - What a week!
Okay so i have been meaning to update this thing for the past like almost week (Wednesday or so). So good news!! Im alive and kickin! The surgery went well and if is FINALLY DONE!! I can FINALLY stop thinking about it! OMG i feel so relieved.

Soo i had it done on monday and it was wild. I was so nervous i couldnt sleep and only slept for like.. i dont know 3 hours for some reason. Luckily not eating throughout the night went okay overall no real problems just had the tums which helped in the morning. So i had to leave the house at 6:15AM which is like stupid early. Got there and of course i forget to fill out the paperwork so i fly though filling it out ASAP and that went okay didnt really piss anyone off. I tell my dad to wait thinking it wont take that long. Little did i know it was ganna be 4 hours! Soo i went in nervous as well but it went okay and everyone was super nice there. It was funny last time i got knocked out the DR told me like hey were ganna put you under now, where as this guy didnt say anything. One min im looking up the next min i am waking up it was crazy and well i actually preferred it that way. So i wake up groggy as fuck cant breath though my nose cuz its so packed its amazing. After like an hour of sitting around and getting myself back together i was finally released and went back home. It was funny like there wasnt really any pain in the nose or anything i was just SUPER congested. It was crazy it felt like my eyes were ganna pop outa my head. SO i get home and chill and its like STUPID cold out coldest its been all winter so my room is super dry. Which means so is my mouth. It was terrible. My mouth has never been that dry for that long like it was actually starting to drive me crazy. I kept drinking water hoping it would i duno lube up the mouth but that didnt work. It was SO annoying nothing i could do could fix this and i couldnt sleep cuz my mouth was so dry i was uncomfortable. Then you add the fact that i couldnt swallow well cuz i could only breath through my mouth. I really started second questioning why i did it at that point.

So again i only get like 3 hours of sleep. BUT i was finally able to get the packing out that morning so i made it a point to get it out early with my dad. I think we went around 10ish. So i go and meet with the dr and he starts pulling the packing outa my nose and it was the worst feeling. Like it was super painful as much as it felt terrible like i was ganna puke everywhere and he just kept pulling and pulling. I couldnt look i just kept my eyes closed and let him do what he needed. Of course the right side ended up bleeding a lot and the dr is like.. your such a nice guy of course something like this would happen to you. Regardless once it came out i was soooo happy like. I couldnt really breath through the nose still but the congestion went down ALOT which made me feel so much happier. I guess i was also just super relieved i could finally start closing my mouth so it wasn't so dry. Anyways its been all down hill since then. Ive been able to breath a bit better each day overall. Wednesday i actually got out a BIG kidney sized booger and omg it was so key. I was finally fully able to breath though that side atleast. I was so happy i couldnt stop smiling and i was just so happy. Since then the right side has been solid the normal but the right side i cannt breath super well from yet.

I cannt breath well though that side i think or atleast i hope because the stitches stick out on that side and im like 99% sure i got some solid booger mass stuck up there that i wont really wanna start picking much of because i dont wanna mess anything up. I think there was one point where i was able to breath really well though it so it gives me hope that this wasnt for naut. I mean i really hope that it really helps me feel better and breath better. I guess im only slightly nervous about it because i havent felt it get better yet but then again im told it could take a month which is understandable. It also kinda sucks slightly because the dr was saying he straightened the cartilage perfectly straight but deep up in my head/nose there is still a slight bend to it like 20% he said. He said there wasnt much he could do other then take a hammer and chissle to it and well. That is intense and well he said its actually part of my skull. SOoo i think i dunno i wouldt really want him messing with my skull. He also said that what was sone will still show and be way better then it was. I dont know i have another appointment with him on Friday i guess just to check it out and make sure its healing okay. I just hope he dosent start like pulling crusty boogers out or stitches.

All in all though there really hasnt been much pain in the nose at all almost like nothing ever happened. Weird.

Other then that i went into the week off with the preconception that i will not do anything all week. Just me in my bed chilling with the tv and not doing ANYTHING. Well that exactly what i did. I just watched breaking bad every day for 5 days straight its been crazy. It was a good show and the ending was sad and left me emotional. I am so pissed they killed the step bro and how the family eneded up like crap. I dunno i mean it was good to watch straight through but i wouldnt have kept up with in every week. However i feel like i guess with everything i hate the ending of a series it always so sad and just messes me up. :(

We also had a HUGE snow storm which didnt bother me cuz i didnt have anywhere to be. it was just wild. I really dont wanna go to work tomorrow im not ganna lie. Laying around all week made me like super lazy and maybe i dunno slightly depressed in a sense. It reminded me of when i was off for those 6 months before i started working for Open Road. Its like a lazy hole where it just sucks you in and feels so good i just wanna keep laying around doing nothing and just watching tv. I was hoping that by doing that i would get tired of it and would energizer me to get outa the house and so stuff but i think it may have done the opposite. I guess time will tell if it was good or bad but overall i loved it. Kinda wished i watched something else because thats the only thing i watched on tv. Kinda wished i got more movies and stuff in.

I also of course haven't been able to work out and probably wont until maybe tuesday or thursday. I feel like with me just laying in bed for a week i am going to have to start all over at square 1 like when i first started back in November. Which sucks and i hope isnt fully the case but i feel a bit weak i guess?? I guess i wont really know how i hold up till i get a full days worth of work outa me tomorrow and see how it is to be back in. I mean luckily i kept my sleep timing up well waking up decently early and not really napping. Today is the first day ive been like fuckkk i just wanna sleep all day which might just be because i dont wanna go in tomorrow. Also because i think the boss is off tomorrow which means il have a bunch of shit to do which is beat. I feel like i havent been to work in forever like i forgot how to do everything. like im lost just thinking about what i need to do.

(give a fuck)

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016
8:53 pm - The Countdown
Sooo its been a while since my last update. Ive been busy with the gym and then there were the holidays. Its funny how fast time has pasted! It feels like just yesterday i joined the gym but its been almost 2 months already! I still really like going and i have definitely been noticing some gains. I lost a solid 2 belt loops and i can really see my mussel groups in my arms like im actually getting kinda cut!! Sweet! The only thing that sucks is that it looks like i am going to have to take this week off (halfway over already) because ive been feeling pretty shitty. I dont know if its a cold or an actual sinus infection. Ive been feeling funky since almost christmas when it was super warm out and then bam! It got cold. After that ive been feeling off but its gotten worse and worse. I finally went to the dr the other day and she barly even looked at me and just said that its acid reflux. Like... you barley looked at me or talked to me then bam acid refulx? So strange. She also gave antibiotics just incase it gets worse.

Now since i have the dreaded surgery coming up in like less then 2 weeks at this point im like fuck it im taking the antibiotics and if its a cold, the body will kill it, if its a sinus infection then the drugs will kill it. Hopefully.. of course. I think im pretty much freaking out about the surgury a bit but i feel like i am freaking out more about feeling well for it then the actual surgery itself. I dunno its so stupid. I just have my fingers crossed and knocking on wood that i feel good going into it and im no longer sick and it goes well. I cannot wait till its over. Then ill feel like ill finally be able to start my 2016. Until then i feel like im in a state of like flux. To gym to not to gym. To be sick to sleep to feel well to eat good, bad. I dont even know.

I feel like such a bum for not working out lately. I havent gone more then 2 days in a row since i started and its going to be like a week. I really hope i dont lose all my gains and then having to start over again cuz that would kinda suck buttt at the same time its all good. Ill come back with a vengeance.

When i comes to a depressing part it seems like the girls that i though could maybe be interested dont seem to be at all. Sam im pretty sure just views me as a friend. I learned alot about her and how she acts. I mean shit she was dating someone and didnt eve tell me or bring it to my knowledge. Its pretty upsetting cuz i really like/liked her. I just wish she was more interested then she is. The same goes for the girl at work as well. We like barley talk anymore. It sucks as well because i felt like we sort of connected well. I guess its just me or something? I am not ganna lie really wish i could have someone in my life especially right now. I am so god damn lonely. I just want someone i can talk to someone whos interested in me and will ask questions. Take interest in me. call or text me. Keep a convo going. Something. Ive been trying to get back on match but i have been finding it so hard lately. Like either i dont have the time or just the though of all the reading and trying to think up something to say is almost just like... overly daunding. It just wears me down and feels like such a downer. I think it might be because i havent had like any success on there which really can wear on you after awhile. Just such a downer. I feel like i just need someone to hold and talk to.

I just really really cannot wait to get this surgery over. I feel like its just been wearing on me more and more the closer it gets. I try not to think about it but it just kinda sits there in the back of my head like hey you got some huge shit going down you better be ready and be ready to man up and not feel like crap. Or maybe you will feel like crap but just need to man up and handle it. At this point i just really hope i feel better so that i will hopefully be more prepared for it. I will say though... i just need to realize and get more excited about it and realize. By getting this done, it could finally be the missing puzzle piece to make me feel like a normal human. I guess i just gatta keep my fingers crossed that it all works out and well and start thinking about all the good things that will prevail from getting it done.

(give a fuck)

Sunday, December 6th, 2015
6:19 pm - Fitness and Nutrition
I feel like i can only update on here when i update on my laptop, i dunno why but it feels so much more... comfortable. Its been awhile since my last update and i think that was at my lowest ive been in awhile. Since then i knew there was need for some sort of change in my life and hopefully for the better. Since then ive turned 28 which for the first time isnt as big of a deal as i originally thought. I think that is because i have been viewing myself as 28 for the past year i never felt 27 i just went straight 28 for some reason so its almost like... I am living the year over again which is kinda nice lol. Secondly for the past 2 months or so i have been chatting it up with 2 girls. One i kinda like from work shes super cool and we have a lot of the same interests and i enjoy talking to her because well she actually sometimes creates conversation however i feel like since ive been talking to her the more we talk the less she likes me. At first i thought she was all about me but now i dont think she cares anymore which really sucks. :( I am ganna have to try to ask her out again and maybe this time shes would be around to chill or something. This other girl im really into and i dont know why. I mean shes super fit beautiful i love making her laugh but i feel like shes not into creating conservation. We have actually sort of chilled like 2 times each time involved me taking pics of her, which of course i wanted to do and bought up. I feel like ive really really tried with her more then anyone else. I went to her body building event (only sort of outside the bodybuilding friend there) bought her flowers. Ive asked her to chill like 3 other times and she canceled the day of each time which is a downer. Yet inside the it was almost a relief cuz you know me i get super nervous with new people in new places. I even invited her over once, i never do that!

I feel like.. well i want her bad and i dont know why and im trying so hard to be polite and take interests in her interests and always be there for her and do little things like say good night if we are chatting ad things like that. However i dont feel like she really asks me any questions ever its always me asking the questions and keeping the convo going. Now mind you she just got out of a super serious relationship so maybe that has something to do with it?? Maybe shes interested but not looking for a BF?? I dont know... :( But i do know which really sucked was after working out on friday i saw her getting out of a car with another guy and it like broke my heart for some reason. Like me and her are not dating, she probably just things of me as a friend but the fact that shes a girl and talks to me has me caught up thinking that its more then what it is??? I dont know. However did mention that i was down on FB the other day and she texted me asking how i was 2 times that day. It was great that she messaged me it like made my day it really did. Its like finally she took a slight bit of interest in me. We chatted into the night and i found out hes a persional trainer, not hers but a friend to see how shes doing. Hopefully that all it is. I really like this girl for some reason and i wish it could be mutual or atleast know where i stand. :|

Its weird cuz like since messaging her and talking to her i feel like a new man. Like she changed me. She makes me want to be a better man. After talking with her here and there i was like im tired of this life im living and tired of being uncomfortable. Im tired of always feeling like i am dieing or something is wrong. With that it has motivated me to join the gym. Never thought i would see the day. Ive been going for 3 weeks now i believe and honestly i have been loving it so far going pretty much everyday just missing 2 or 3 days so far. It was rough at first and made me feel really uncomfortable however that kinda what i need especially when you add the working out aspect of it. I have stated really slow and light but have been making some progress i think. I hit a goal of 3.5 miles on the elycpitcal machine today and it happened way quicker then i thought. Its funny because honestly i feel like alot of this has to do with her and even though she fully doesnt know it or isnt there she pushes me forward. Because well i get aggravated that i dont know if shes down or not, which aggravates me which helps me do the extra repps needed.

The only thing that sucks is that still sometimes i feel like faint when working out sometimes hard sometimes not. It sucks i dont know what the deal is. I think it has less to do with my heart and health overall and more to do with my gut. I feel like if my gut isnt right then it SERIOUSLY messes me up and makes me feel faint/light headed/off balance. It sucks and i dont know what to do about it. Sometimes i think it starts the trigger and then my mind takes over and really fucks me up like i am going to fall right off the chair and pass the fuck out sometimes. Its really at times scary... All i can really do is push through lately and call it quits when i feel that way if ive been there for awhile and if i just stared then to lighten the weight or w/e i am doing and work through it. Like i said i feel like i am making progress overall but still not where i wanna be. Then again its only been 3 weeks which aint shit.

I have since the past few days been looking more at my nutrition and trying to eat better and balance my diet a bit better. This weekend was the first sort of test and i have been following it and its gone okay so far. I feel like i need another week or 2 to see where i am at when it comes to tracking. Other then that i am trying to eat more natural foods and less processed with more yogurt and salads with chicken and stuff. Hopefully i can stick with it and learn this carb cycling thing she told me about. Seems like a lot of people that use it as successful with it. I am actually making soup right now with like no sodium in it. The normal stuff i get is like 550G per serving this new stuff is 95G. WAY different and i hope it tastes okay.

All in all i feel like where i am right now is very focused on my body and trying to treat it right whether its eating or just working out on the regular. The only downside is i havent had really any time to myself during the week to do other things like its crazy and sort of frustration. Hopefully i can work though it and get slightly better at my time management/scheduling.

I also really need to focus i think right now more on myself then on her and just view us as friends and go from there. If she wants more then i am here and im pretty sure i have made that very clear to her. I really hope she takes me up on it and its mutual though. I also hope that i can relax when it comes to her chilling with other people or my jealousy cuz i mean really...we are just friends nothing more. Being jealous wont help. I can only be me and do me and if she wants me its our gain if not then its her loss. I just need to stay focused on myself and it has really helped me with my confidence everyday i think. I think that confidence will really help me in the future with other girls as well. I am super excited about because i am sooo tied of being single. I truly am. I need a girl in my life, and i really hope its her but if not.. There is nothing i can do but move on to the next one. I need to always remember that. If she dosent want it, someone else will. I need someone who wants me just as much as i want her.


(give a fuck)

Sunday, September 27th, 2015
9:16 pm - Roid Rage?
So i was feeling super congested and pressure in the face for like two weeks and it was pretty bad with constant headachs so i told the dr and had a CAT scan done and shes like year your sinus are inflamed. I should try taking these steroids for a week and see if it gets better, if not i would have to see a ENT. I think i would say yes it has gotten better overall i dont really notice it and i think i feel less congested at night at least. Yet at the same time i feel very slight pressure now as i am writing this. I feel like the past 2 or 3 days though ive been more frustrated over stupid shit lately. At one point it reminded me of when i use to smoke and something stupid would happen and i would get so just mad i could feel my blood boil for no real main reason. Hopefully it goes away. I think a big issue lately for me is my cousin putting up some stupid ass shit on FB about democrats and changing the world and shit. Like he puts up these meme and the stats are no correct at all and i call him out and hes like you dont get it or dont understand and im like dude, your a dumb ass you have no idea how shit works. It just boggles my mind how ignorant he can be when it comes to certain things like he has no stats, no nothing other then i read this thing and it said this so i am ganna be a fan boy because its cool to take a stance on these things no a days. At least ive read and looked into his point to combat them yet i am sure he hasnt looked into anything ive said but w/e fuck it right? I guess i am a lot more right winged then i thought.

I feel also like the past few weeks when i have had time off ive just pissed the days away. I have gotten into this rutine where i go to bed wake up, dont know what to do so i just do some stupid shit for a bit then its lunch time then im like what do i wanna do then next thing i know its dinner and the day is over and i havent done anything. The worst part is that i feel like i just cannot function or concentrate and i dont know what will make me happy or what i want to do. I almost feel like from the start of the day i cannot get my eyes open and i am just in a fog, a dreary fog and its like i cannot get my shit together. Its getting so frustrating i dont know what to do. Its like, do i want to edit pictures... ehhh.. do i want to game... ehh... do i want to drive somewhere... ehh.. and then i dont get shit done and i just stand on the sidelines of life. I feel like i am at the epitome of living but not being alive. I really dont know if this not feeling awake is a physical thing or just a mental thing.

I feel like i need to have a fire lit under my ass. The only two things that really make me feel alive is making money and girls. Neither of which i am succeeding with. I can never seem to get a head in the market no matter what i do or how much i try and its like siren and it something especially around this time of year that i ALWAYS think about and want to succeed with so bad. This year though money is a bit different and wont be as easy to just take out a shit ton of money to play with. This year i need to play small and it looks like no futures for me. :( Girl wise i am always slacking on the job which is very frustrating yet at the same time i cannot lie i feel like i haven't put a ton of time or energy into it. I have sent out sooooo many messages with such little success that it become discouraging. It almost makes you feel worse even though i try my best not to let it get me down and be very w/e about it. At the end of the day sending these messages takes a solid chunk of time to write each one out and when you put that much energy into someome or something and dont get anything out of it over and over and over again its just... tiring. At least with the market i have some control over what i trade when and where and its my decision. With girls online its just like i put it out there and hope for the best...

At this point i need to try to focus i guess more on stacking my cash up and ways of making more money because that always seems to help make me happier. Just back in the day it was a lot easier to realize what to do to make money where as now i have no idea what to do to make money.... Hopefully i can try to figure something out sooner then later and i really really need to not give a fuck and just get out of the house with people and again and not care what people think of me and just say hi and get out and strike up convo.

(give a fuck)

Monday, September 7th, 2015
9:37 pm - Hope its not coming back
The past two to three weeks ive really been feeling like ive been going back in time, and not in a good way. In the mornings ive been feeling really off balance and sick feeling like i use to and even worse ive been feelin that during normal time like today. Ive been having trouble breathing and light headedness like i use to, i thought i was done. I thought i was better and now this comes back and i dont know what to do. I dont know if its just been stress because i know paul is going to be off this week and its only ganna a 3 man crew this next week which is going to be crazy. So i dont know if thats just stressing me out or if its that i just bought an xbox one. i spend another fucking 500. Like ive just blown though so much cash in the past month or so its crazy, sort of freaking me out. However i will say that i have been enjoying it and have got over 12 hours in on it. So i think that nervous feeling about buying it is getting better.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that i havent really gone anywhere in a month or 2 and im starting to get panic attacks again? JUst thinking about crossing a bridge lately i just freak out like hardcore of some reason. It sucks. I dont know what wrong with me, is it just mental or is it physical? Im ganna have to ask the doctor this thursday when i see her about the breathing and stuff.

I dont know what to do. Im so tire of feeling sick and tired and i dont know what to do. I just wanna be awake and feel awake in the mind because i havent in some time. Maybe i just need to get out more to build up self confidence to then go out and pursue crossing bridges and feeling better. Maybe i need to just seriously start working out more to feel better? Maybe that will help physically and mentally.

Maybe im just freaking out about nothing? Hopefully its all stupid stress related shit.

Also ive had 2 things that have REALLY been pissing me off. One was that i havent gotten paid on my stupid fantasy league. Motherfucking arent paying and that is the money is suppose to be mine! Fred fucked me and now im trying to make amends to it by collecting the money on my own from people and they just wont pay. Its driving me CRAZY, maybe thats what messing me up. The stress and aggravation of it is maybe messing up my gut which is casing this plus the stress all together. I need to now worry about it and i guess just do the best i can to get past it and admit i got fucked. I hate getting fucked like that over some stupid shit. Same goes with the dumb ass bitches that work up stairs! i am so tired or people not taking responsibility for their actions which cases me to work more and harder.

I think its just stupid ass shit in my head thats making me nervous and aggravated and stressed for no reason. Fuck these people right?!

Maybe i need to say that more often and embrace that more as hard as it is for me.

(give a fuck)

Monday, August 24th, 2015
4:08 pm - Day off Sick
So i ended up saying home today from work sick. I felt like shit this morning. Had massive diarrhea and felt just ill but wasnt sure whether to stay home or not. I ended up calling in sick. I HATE calling in sick, especially when over time through the day i feel a bit better like today. Mind you i had a massive headach with sinus pressure i believe for like 2 or 3 hours today. Finally i feel better now. Hopefully my gut gets better. I think the worst part is that i called out on a monday with a TON of ebay to do. I am sure my boss was pissed because now hes gatta deal with it. I feel really bad about it but at the same time why suffer through a day to make the boss man happy? I mean i dont see any type of raise or anything coming my way for a long time. So i mean, what is aggravation and pain worth to me? Blah i dotn know other then ive been doing a lot of thinking today and i feel like i really need to make a physical change to just physically feel better day in a day out. Right now i dont feel that way, feeling always sick with one thing or another.

Hopefully i dont have yo use anymore sick days in the next 3 months. r

I feel like i also need change.. soon.. The room has definitely helped but need more...

(give a fuck)

Sunday, August 16th, 2015
7:01 pm - Man its H-O-T!
So today is the first day of the heat wave for the next few days. I am definitely not looking forward to how hot it will be in the dealership tomorrow. I really hope its not going to be as bad as it was last time it was this hot because that was brutal. Like seriously bad. On top of that i found out the i have a crack or chip in one of my teeth. I dont think it hurts but i know its there so im like crap i really need to get this thing fixed and dont wanna wait around. The only problem is i dont have any comp days to go so i think i am going to have to go to the new dentist my brother has been going to lately to get it fix. I really hope i can just get it done tomorrow. Yet at the same time i have a feeling that the i am going to be to tired to go, that is if i can even get an appointment. I am extremely nervous about going to a new guy, shit im nervous about going in general nevertheless when it comes to someone new. I know i really need to jst man up and do it. Its not a big deal. ive dont it so many times before. ARG time to man up and just do it, wont be that bad probably wont even need a shot which would be key, hopefully in and out.

On a more happy yet sketchy note, I bought a new TV! Its loaded to the gills and i am so excited to get it. I really hope its wayyyy better then what i got now given the price tag. I kinda feel stupid paying that much and i find it so funny that you get a free tv when buying a tv i mean wtf. So strange. But the plan is to give that to joanne and get some money off that to bring the price of mine down to where i feel a bit comfortable. It all works out i should be in the 1600 range which is high but i think its worth it, or alteast i hope so.

I am kinda frustrated mentally when it comes to buying things and peoples views on it? I mean its almost like i feel as though everyone is saving uo money to move out and buy houses or have moved out and here i am splurging on a high end tv. Like shouldn't i be saving that to buy a house or something? It makes me feel a bit stupid yet at the same time i feel like i am getting all these things so that when i do move out i know i wont have to buy them. I feel like this is my opportunity to just spend yet at the same time i have been also saving a bunch of money as well its not all spending. Ive put around 7k this year. Thats not the 10k i planned but i guess it is what it is. I just feel... dirty spending that kinda of cash on something i already have that works well. I guess its like for the past few years ive been middle of the pack when it comes to money or living expenses and now i feel like everyone is passing me. I am not going to lie i feel it mostly from Danielle. I think i might just be jealous. I dont know..

I am however re doing my room from pretty much top to bottom. Ive got the 2 new dressers so far and i feel a bit of a change in me already. I kinda feel, i dunno happy today at least which is a nice new feeling. I feel clean. I feel like an adult? or slightly less cluttered. I am super excited for the fall now with this new layout and the new tv for football. Like i just dream of sitting back with the windows open and the cool air blowing through with all my new gear. It makes me super happy to think about it really does. I feel almost as though by redoing the room i want i am almost like moving into my own place where everything here is what i want and the way i want it to look. I feel like if i had a girl over i would be very proud of my room and i think i will be a lot more comfortable with it when it gets super cold out and i will not want to be leaving my room. For once like i have been saying i feel very happy about this, the most happy and excited ive been in a long while. I love the smell of wood when i walk in my room now :D

When it comes to my old tv i am going to be giving it to my brother because he has been looking to get a tv. The only thing is i almost feel like i should charge him 100 or 150 for it, yet at the same time its 7 years old, a plasma, and only 720P. Like i think its still a great tv and should be worth 200 to 300 but at the same time you can get the same thing as an LED 1080P for like 5 or 600 new. I dont want to exploit my bro and take his money. Monetarily i think i should charge but as the love big bro i am i think giving it to him as an early Christmas/birthday present i think he would really enjoy it. I do feel a bit bad for my dad because now he will have to pay for him to get a box to run the HD, same which his girl. I also hope my new one dosent make him jealous. He has done so much to help me and get me to where i am at now. He lets me live here for free and feeds me dinner pretty much every night and has always been there as support and i really dont want him to be jealous of what i may be able to get because without him i would be living on my own and there is no way i would be able to afford these things.

(give a fuck)

Tuesday, July 28th, 2015
10:37 pm - quick update
i really wanted to do a full update but i ended up watching deadliest catch and now i should really be getting to bed. However i felt like i needs to say at least something. I have been thinking lately about how im living my life and i feel like im alive but im not living. which is a problem. Im trying to figure out why im so afraid of doing things and have been taking a lot of time this weekend doing that. I think my main problem is that i am so afraid of death itself and that it is something that could be right around the corner or 80 years aways. who know? But when i think about it i become pretty much paralyzed and im like... fuckkk one day i will close my eyes and thats it and im not cool with that even though i 100% know it will happen one day. Yet at the same time i am so afraid of something happening to me when im away on vaca or something on my own that i dont experiences things i feel like i should. Its like. The fear of a bad problem or death is keeping me from doing things yet if i was on my death bed at 90 and i had my mentality now i wont be ready for it because.. well... i guess.. i fell like im not doing what i want to be doing, yet i havent done anything in this item. Sort of the like a circle where the fear of a problem keeps me from doing things yet by not doing things it makes me feel like i am missing out especially as i get older. Shits gay and i think i am finally coming to grips with that.

I havent really talked to danielle in 3 days which is a decent amount of time and im sure theres still a few days to go with her in washington with tony. This is the first time i decided to not call her and wait for her to call me. If that happens at some time. I am just so tired of calling and calling and having her not answer. No one can be that busy on a regular basis. But thats just my opinion but lets see what happens.

The last quick thought that well is more of a long thought but i am saying is quick because i dont think i can type it out in time. I miss spot. He was my main man and i cannot stop thinking about him today during and after the last shower. I miss his face and his eternal love for me and i for him. He was such a good cat and i feel bad. I feel like during his older years where i should have been closer then ever with him and taking care of him i left him. I ignored him by accident and didnt mean to. I should spent more time with him. I should not have kicked him out of my room for the last year or 2. I think it depressed him and i me a bit. I wish i got him to a doctor earlier when he may have been sick. I just didnt know what was normal. I thought it was normal just hair balls. However i think i was wrong and i hope he didnt suffer because of me. I am so sorry, i truly am. I wish i could hold him 1 more time or in some dream world talk to him and have him understand. I truly feel so bad i feel like i pushed him away because of my allergies. I truly feel terrible about it now and the worst thing is there is nothing i can do about it now. I am so sorry spot for anything i may have done. I hope you didnt suffer. I am sorry, i love you and miss you dearly.

(give a fuck)

Sunday, July 12th, 2015
9:31 pm - Funky
I feel very funky. I feel like i need to get better and better at photography. I feel like i reached a certain level and i know when and where. However the more i think about getting out during these times i find it difficult to know where or when to go. Im so lost. I feel so depressed about it and things. I dont know if its the pressure to get great pictures which is making me over think things and make it hard for me to get out thats the problem or what. I feel o so lost I dont know what to do and its making it harder and hard to get out. Ive been getting lazier or lazier. I dont know what to do i feel like i am almost starting to lose my drive that i had last year. Maybe i am just a guy who picks up a hobby and gets in and out over a year or so. I dont know.

This fucking hair cut i got thats left to long on the side is pissing me off as well. I hate it yet at the same time i doesnt bother me much other times. How the fuck could they fuck something up thats so simple. ARG! hopefully its not to noticeable and ill just have to get it cut again soon.

I feel very fustrated and angry for some reason as well.

I am not in my happy place lately and i dont know how to get back. I feel.... scared when it comes to going out again. I lost the go anywhere do anything attitude i had last year.

(give a fuck)

Sunday, July 5th, 2015
9:44 pm - Keeping the updates coming!
Trying to update this thing more and more. Maybe that will help me clear my head and sleep at night. At least thats the concept maybe? I dont know i kind of enjoy writing on here now that i have a laptop to use and i can just chill back just write in a very relaxed state? I dont know it just feels good, maybe it makes me a feel a bit like its a professional blog and lots of people are reading this. However its the complete opposite. Im 99.999% sure no one reads this or even knows this journal exists. Whatever if it makes me feel good then let it ride right?

So the 4th has come and gone so quick. I had 3 days off and got nothing done but go up and see my grandfather. It was so nice to see him and be there. Its so sad that it very well could have been the last time going up there to see him on the 4th. Its truly such a sad though of him not being around and i am so bad at it lately. I feel like a dick. Like i want to try to hard to be around and help him however i can however at the same time im so scared and so so so depressed seeing him like this it breaks my heart. Its like i want to see him and i want to make him happy and do anything i can for him yet im so sad and depressed to see him the way he is now that it makes it hard for me to do now a days. When it comes to family members besides my bro and dad hes like my rock, hes the glue to the this entire family. W/o him there is noting and i will most certainly lose a lot of contact with cousins im sure and thats pretty sad. Man i just wish he could live forever and be active but at 91 i know thats not really possible.

The side problem with that it questions my own mortality and how time is precious and you need to live it up. Take what you need and get what you want out of it because next thing you know it will be over. I find that thought almost inspiring and sort of drives me to get up and go. The only problem is that lately it hasnt and know i need to get up and go but just cant. Its like i dont know what to do or where to go or how to get there and that is really depressing me more then i care to admit. I know i should and need to do go it alone if i need to but i am so damn lonely its crazy and just brings me down more. I wish i had someone to drive me to get me up and moving. I use to have that and it was so great to have.

I also feel like i am slightly holding myself back because i dont feel super strong. I get scared i will go there and something will happen or i cannot make it home from there. It holds me back and it sucks. I feel like if i had someone to go with that i was super conformable with there would be no problem with travel. Just get up and go and if something happens then i can just have them help me and take care of me. I use to have that 1 or 2 times and it was so amazing to have. I feel like i really need that. A companion to take care of me. I feel like if i had that i would travel so much more and it would make things so much easier for me.

Being on match it give me hope that i will find someone and i have been putting the work in this time around. Messaging more and more girls in hopes of getting at least a response. The problem so far is that ive messaged about 100 girls. Had only half of the view my message or profile, and still only 1 response which i think was a fluke because she never messaged me back so i dont have high hopes for that. I dont know if its my personality or that its more difficult online or if its just the way i look or something. Maybe i am just doomed but i guess all i can really do is hold my head up high and believe that something will happen in the future. One my biggest fears is being a lone forever. I need a soul mate. I need to get married and i feel like time is not on my side.

(give a fuck)

Saturday, June 27th, 2015
5:59 pm - Many MANY Moons have passed
Its funny. For some reason i decided to look at this thing even though its been like 7 years! its amazing how fast the time has gone. One of my last posts i was just getting a digital camera.(Which i barly used) to now owning like thousands and thousands of dollars worth of camera equipment. I dont know why i find that funny but i do.

Also after reading it over i feel like a lot of the things are the different yet when it comes to my feelings they are the same. People are very very much so MIA which is very depressing. BUt i cannot say its really their fault as much as i feel as though its my own. I became distant from everyone. I didnt mean to, i just started getting sick and nervous and just... not good things when i went out since i quit smoking. Man do i miss smoking. Its like it kept me on my level. It helped me to think as to what i wanted and how to get there. Now i just sit here trying to figure something out and cannot seem to figure out what i want or even something as simple as where to go. I feel completely lost. I am happy, love my job make decent money. However there has to be more to this thing called life. I feel stuck and very very alone. I want to travel and visit new places but the thought of some of these things do scare me and i dont know why. I dont know if its the concept of doing them or being out of my comfort zone or just the fact that i need someone i feel comfortable to go with. There have been 2 or 3 moments where i just jumped into a new place that i otherwise would not have done. Been to scared and just said no. Each of these times ive had a wonderful caring person next to me that just made me feel so much more relaxed about it. Helped me make the jump into the deep water and i came out alive... in fact better then alive. .. like a new me.

I havent had that in quite some time and ive been doing the best i can over the years especially the past year or so on my own and getting out. Going on a distant trip to Mass and Maine. It was amazing and fun and scary but i made it. I hung the picture of these places on my walls to remind me that i can do it. I hope that they inspire to keep the adventure going. However right now i have no idea where to go or what to do and i just feel down overall which is making it hard for me keep moving.

I feel like i need someone. A great women to help me forward. Isnt the saying behind every great man there is a great women guiding him? Well i need guidance. But there is no one there to guide me.

current mood: confused

(give a fuck)

Friday, August 15th, 2008
11:27 pm - fuckin aggravated
wtf my life is fucking ass right now not going the way i wanted at all.. fuckin work sucks ass i fucking hate it and its mostly because of the mass amount of hours im working... every fucking sat.. why? because im not exsperianced enough fuck that shit i got way to much training to just be dicking around changing tires fucking bull shit is what it is.. the other prob is that theres this girl i kinda got a thing for but she dosent really like me in that way and its killing me..its like shes finally fucking single for once and im tryin to show her these nice qualities that im sure she already knows but still.. she goes out and is doin the other dude.. fuck that shit.. waz wrong with me humm? ide give the girl the world and yet nothing.. its making me wanna rip my hair out and it sucks ass.. i think i just gotta move on with this shit or something and find something even better or just dissapear so she can mayb see wa shes missin thas right in front of her.. fuck this for now this isnt ass but enough to write for now

(give a fuck)

Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
6:00 pm - tired
o dear am i tired right now lol i dunno y i napped today and everything! lol o well hopefully ill atleast be able to fall a sleep tonight lol... anywayz whats new whats new not much lol i finally got myself a digital camera last weekend! o i love it so much i deff shoulda got one alot earlyer.. im alittle upset about it actually cuz i wish i had more pics of my friends and things ive done.. i feel like ive done so many fun things alot of which i dont remember so clearly lol and which i had some pics of those times to look back on and smile or laugh about but i dont :( plus i feel like my group of friends is dividing on a whole nother level and tha sucks ass cuz we use to be a group that would chill on the regular and now that doest happen.. i mean ya i know im in boston but either way i feel like when i get back no one will be round to chill like we use to and it sucks.. plus i have a feeling that most of the rutgers kids are ganna be spending most of their time in new brunswick which is koo and all i mean its only like 20 mins or so from the house but at the same time it does become a pain in the ass to drive there all the time.. its like to chill with them ide have to drive there to chill then drive home everytime i wanted to see them and over time that sucks cuz i wanna chill alot ya know? i dont think they really realize it even though i say it and its like they could come and chill with me back home or something.. but i dought theyde call to chill and come back to see me or anything.. its like everyone has their own lives which is good and all but its like wa happened to benny? i feel so unimportant now a days and unmissed and it sucks ass.. its liek they are all moving on with their lives and im not :( i think deep down i also am a bit jelous about it all too.. i wish i was over in rutgers with everyone doing the college experience meeting new people especially the girls! lol o dear do i wanna meet some ladies.. im mad lonly its so bad im mad depressed about it... i feel like i dont have a drive to do anything anymore exspecially since the calls from everyone have slowed down to like a standstill.. im losing my mind out here and i wanna go home... but i feel like yea i can go home but that dosent mean anyones ganna be around ya know.. i miss feeling like im part of something.. o theres so many things going through my head right now it sucks.. i just wanna be happy again.. that feeling that i havent felt in what feels like forever... i just want things go back to the old days when i was happy :(

(give a fuck)

Sunday, March 30th, 2008
2:54 pm - losin my mind with time
i feel all sorts of sad right now and it sucks ass i dunno wa to do with myself.. i havent been able to talk to anyone in mad long.. its like no one answers their phones or call me back anymore.. and no one ever calls me to start with and it sucks but exspected.. but not from her... we use to be intouch like everyday and if she was busy shede atleast answer and tell me she was busy now i dont get anything but the voice mail and on top of that i dont get a call back either which sucks... im like losing my mind about it and id unno wtf is going on.. weve been talking on the regular for like atleast 5 years now and now nuttin all of a sudden.. i have no idea whats going on over there or wa shes doin and it sucks ass.. and im like da fuck.. i feel so abandoned.. and the only thing i can think of is that shes in go out and chill with mad heads mode.. like goin out with all of these new people to parties or just goin out to chill with them and now has no time to talk to me about anything.. i mean why would she wanna talk to someone on the phone when she can talk and chill in real life ya know.. i dunno it sucks i hope shes not mad at me for anything or something.. or maybe shes just really busy with school work or soemthing? i have no idea and it sucks ass.. i feel like im losing her slowly and surly i dont wanna talk to her like once in a blue moon i wanna talk to her on the regular like we use to.. i know that sounds selfish but i dunno how elce to put it.. she was the only constant in my life i guess.. and i mean i am happy that shes meeting all these new people and having a blast and living the college exsperiance but at the same time wa happened to me? i feel like im not even miss anymore or anything and its killing me a subject that im not ganna be able to let go.. i just hope everything goes back to normal soon cuz this shit sucks and is tearing me apart deep down..

On top of all this i wanna go home so bad i miss everyone but at the same time i feel as though if i was to go back home no one would be around to chill with and shit.. i mean no one answers their phones anymore no one would even know ide be back home and shit.. on top of that i dought anyone would even wanna chill everyone seems to cought up with themselves and what their doing that i feel like forgotten about and shit.. and it hurts so much cuz im thinkin ok fuck it ill just chill up here till im done with the program.. but at the same time its like ok that means in a matter of 3 months ill be back but then wtf will be going on? like will everyone be even more distant then now.. like who am i ganna chill with whats ganna happen im ganna be back everyones so off doing their own things that thell never have time for me? or will it be like thell all have their own friends and if i do get the opportunities to chill they wont like me or something.. i dunno im runnin round really scared right now.. i like to know whats going on and right now i have no idea whats happening in my life and the people around me and it sucks ass.. i just want it all to end and things to go back to normal.. and i just want my best friend back it makes me so sad.. i have no one to turn to if somethings wrong and it hurts so much.. i dunno ive lost my mind and just need to go right now.. im sure ill be updating again like always.. all in all i just want her to call and go back to normal :( so sad

current mood: sad

(give a fuck)

Monday, March 24th, 2008
8:19 pm - straight trippin
i dunno wtf is going on with me right now im straight up buggin the fuck out for some reason well i take that back i know the reason.. i just wish i could have someone to talk to right now i really need that.. i feel like one of my bestfriends has just abandoned me out of no where for something i said a day or 2 ago but i dont understand why shede bug now.. ive said it to her so many other times just in different ways and theres been no problems what so ever before why now? is it cuz she just broke up with her bf? i guess possibly i understand shes got alot going on with all of that but at the same time i dunno.. i it went from me and her talkin like 2 times a day even if it was right quick to barly ever and me getting the ill call u back ill call u back but she never would and ive been an ass and been tryin to call her.. i am her best friend or atleast i believed so and was tryin to be there for her cuz she means alot to me and ive just been tryin to talk her though it and shit i dunno.. its killing me that im in boston right now and shes back home... i wanna be there to chill with her and talk to her cuz i mean before when she had a bf a bf me and her never really got a chance to chill 1 on 1 which sucked but now we could.. i dunno im losing my mind i just wish i knew wa she was thinking and whats going on in her life i feel so abandoned right now.. i wanna go the fuck home!!! :( im so sad right now i was last night 2 i didnt get much sleep like 3 hours.. i cant keep this shit outa my mind.. i just wanna talk to her for a while so i can know what wtf is going on and know that everythings koo between us and shit.. i feel like she hates me and dosent wanna talk to me for some reason and i wouldnt know why.. shes always come to me with her problems and now when she has the biggest i guess u can say she isnt.. and thas killin me i love when she would come to me with her problems and stuff.. i also think its kinda hurtin me that she might be going other places and talkin to other people about things which might be makin me upset or jelous too.. i dunno i have no idea wtf is going on and all in all i just wanna talk to her and get inside her head and have her call me like she use to a week ago i miss that so much :(

current mood: sad

(give a fuck)

Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
12:25 am - 13 weeks wow! lol
im not even sure where to begin on this one.. ive been meaning to update this thing for the longest time now at least the past 2 months or so but yeaa been either busy or just not sure wa to say or how to say it... its rough.. but either way i wanna say a shit load of things have been going on but at the same time i dunno dosnt seem that way lol.. anyways im pretty much updating this thing because ive been feeling really down lately especially the last couple of days..

on the down side of life pretty much ive been rather upset when it comes to the people around me lately.. it feels as though im not needed and growing very distant from everyone like if i didnt come home every weekend ide be forgotten about or something.. like i try so hard to see everyone but at the same time it dosent feel like it goes the other way around anymore.. i dunno how to explain it really i guess its just cuz everyones goin on with their own lives and im not there to partake i guess u can say.. its also hard cuz i feel closest to danielle and christian however there together and have been together for mad long its like their married..lol.. which i mean is great for them i honestly am happy for them i wish i could find love like that i really do.. its just hard on me i guess cuz their always together and its like i cant chill with each one sepratly its always a group thing which w/e i grew accustome to that its just rough cuz they like to do shit together and so i guess i feel as though i dont get enough benny time when im round its like arg i drove mad far to chill with u guys and ur barly around.. which aggravates me but at the same most of the time i just put myself in their shoes and just say fuck it its all good im just jelous i guess and dont let it really get to me.. i mean their just doin the couple thing which i understand fully ya know? its also kinda been suckin cuz i feel like with some people im just the kid that drops off the ciggs to everyone every weekend to some of my friends they don't view me as me just as that kid that comes by and hooks them up now a days ya know almost like im underrated or something.. i dunno im sure alot of whats been going on that i have been upset with is me being selfish in a sence but at the same time i dunno its hard for me.. cuz like everyones being social and doin their thing but here i am with nuttin new going on.. same shit always happening and im never meeting anyone new which sucks cuz like i come back on the weekend to chill with everyone and i make all the time i can for them.. and no one really brings by new people and we don't really go anywhere for us to be social or to meet people especially the girlies lol and its like da fuck i get put in the situation where i go it alone and try to meet people and girls or i chill with my friends.. so i chill with my friends and sometimes they end up not being round last min which is like fuck i woulda done something else set it up better cuz like i work on a schedual.. i have to see everyone and get everything done in a timely manner so im not running round like a chicken with its head cut off ya know.. so i have times set a side for things that need to be done and when those times and plans go off its like fuck it messes up the flow of everything else and shit and its been a pain in the ass lately.. especially when it comes to my fri nights for cig drop off its like everyone isn't roudn till later which fucks me over cuz i get in a certain time and try to take care of everything as early as possibly and yet people still need to have their needs taken care of when it comes to times... which ends up disturbing my timing for things and its like fuck!!! i dunno i guess the little things have just been bothering me with that and i guess ive just been being selfish and shit which i shouldn't do i really shouldn't... :(
honestly i prob wouldnt be writting this right now but something was said to me a couple days ago that really drove a nail into me.. alot of things have been done to me and said to me through out the years that have brought be great pain and great happiness this is deff the worst pain.. turns out this girl i know that no one else prob knows ended up doing shit with this kid that i hate i mean hate with a passion.. he fucked me over so bad i had nightmares for a good week or 2.. and she did shit with him a while go but decided to tell me the other day.. when she first told me my heart kinda sank but it didn't really hit me until the next day.. i was more upset at the time that she didn't tell me when it happened and kept it a secret.. i like to be told things and know whats goin on in people lives around me ya know... so that upset me but after sometime it started eating and me and still does.. im so pissed now to think of it i cant get the image outa my head of them doing that shit.. i wanna fucking bugg out to the point of i don't even know wa to do honestly.. part of me wants to just caller her and tell her to just fuck off like it was the last straw.. alot of things shes been doin i dont approve of but w/e who am i to tell people how to live their lives and ive just talked about it and pretty much kept my mouth shut cuz as time goes i grow acceptance however this is a whole nother ordeal.. like im so fucking aggravated and hurt bout this i feel like ive just been snapped in half and my whole lifes been turned upside down.. i told her to stay away she knew the story but still fucking did it and its so fucking disgusting arg! like i was saying i feel like telling her all of this and just not talk to her anymore cuz its so painful but at the same time i dotn wanna do that cuz i enjoy talking to her when i can i dunno wa to do at all bout the situation im so fucking hurt its not even funny but at the same time i don't think ide be able to not talk to her so im hoping the best that the pain goes away and i forget about it... i dunno anymore i feel dead inside about so much... so alone...
On top of this a month ago or so i had my benz interview and well it turned out that they really liked me yay! however my attendance was .25% to low.. so i got denied.. sounds like the story of my life so close yet so far... however he was nice enough to give me a second chance i guess u can say and told me that if i didn't miss anytime in the next 6 weeks ide be able to get another interview with him!! knock on wood 3 weeks down with not missing any time and 3 more to go.. i really hope i get in however at the same time im mad scared about it.. i want to work on their cars so bad but im afraid i wont get in and on top of that life in Boston for 4 months.. its far enough away so i wouldn't be able to come home which is ass and is kinda bugging me out alot and i dunno wa to do about it.. but i guess its for the best and thas all i keep telling myself cuz it be such a better situation then working for ford or something lol.. another thing is that alot of my friends are graduating on friday which is really sad.. like i wasn't super close to them but at the same time i wont see them again probably ever cuz their all going back to their home states which well isn't mine lol.. and with them leaving i sit here and go wow... im ganna be outa here in 2 months like whaaa? no more apartment?? no more my own life ganna end up living at home again.. tha shits ganna suck ass im deff not looking forward to that.. but w/e i guess u do wa ya gotta do in a sense..
I dunno i feel like just rapping this up right now alot of this shit dosent make all to much sense.. im really confused about life right now and really down and i dunno just feeling really weird and if anyone ends up reading this thats in it.. im sorry if i put ya down or anything and don't want u to think differently its just i dunno how i feel at this moment.. not ness wa ill feel tomorrow who knows maybe tomorrow everything will be great and have gone away..so don't take any offense to it lol really.. its not that serious lol.. hopefully shit just starts falling back into place and i get out a this weird state im in cuz i know im looking at everything the wrong way i really am.. but its just hard sometimes jsut wish i could have some support from a loved one sometimes...

(give a fuck)

Friday, August 10th, 2007
1:48 am - shit
everything feels like its gone to shit.. ive given up on all girls cuz they suck all they do is stomp on your heart.. they all bitch how they want a nice guy thatll love them.. when we give them that they go to the assholes that fuck all the nice guys over.. o man im so fuckin pissed and fustrated at the moment i wanna just beat someones head in and yet at the same time i feel sick to my stomic and well.. i dont think i have a heart anymore.......

(give a fuck)

Friday, August 3rd, 2007
2:24 am - for the moment..
deff the song of the moment and well the past long while.. :( anyways i have a feeling more to come this weekend since everyone is ganna be busy and well i decided to stay in pa this weekend soo yea.. im hopin for the best.. hopefully find myself something nice.. but i dought it.. i just wish i could have what i once had before.. but i dont think that will ever happen and it kills me deep down.. but theres nuttin to do bout it anymore.. so its time to go on with what needs to be done.. but at the moment.. i feel lonlier (sp?) then ever and it sucks :( x10000

I lay down on snow covered sheets of loneliness
and I weep, I'm crying out for you
I'm longing just to have one more chance

And right now...

...My hands are reaching out to you
I stand here frozen with fear
my heart is shattering in two
please don't leave me here to live alone
my world is grey without you
I am so lost, no where to go

Alone... I'm filled emptiness
alone... I call your name
alone... no hope remains
and alone I bid farewell
so long... I end my emptiness
so long... no name to call
so long... no need for hope
and so long, I leave this life

[SOLO : Laiho]

lay me down, this is my final resting place
I have failed, I let you down my dear
this shame overwhelming inside of me

so goodbye...

...I have to leave my world behind
I've fallen too many times
can't take rejection anymore
now it's time to meet my destiny
I wont' be missed anyway
I'll fall into serenity

Alone... I'm filled emptiness
alone... I call your name
alone... no hope remains
and alone I bid farewell
so long... I end my emptiness
so long... no name to call
so long... no need for hope
and so long, I leave this life

[SOLO : Laiho]

Alone... I'm filled emptiness
alone... I call your name
alone... no hope remains
and alone I bid farewell
so long... I end my emptiness
so long... no name to call
so long... no need for hope
and so long, I leave this life


current mood: depressed

(give a fuck)

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